Not A Loser, Baby
But I Might Be A Termite Chokin' on Splinters
Something happened recently during a Zoom chat with my youngest kids (now 24 and 22). It was a small thing, not a big deal really.
At one point I mentioned that lately I can count, in minutes, the total amount of time I get each year with either of them.
My remark prompted them both to play mini-violins on their fingers in response, deflecting the potential for sadness with humor.
I blame myself for this rude behavior. (I modelled it for years.) It is, however, true that I need to suck it up.
Getting less time with kids as they become adults is just how life goes. Especially these days, time available for loved ones competes increasingly with demands from school, jobs, friends, exercise, sleep, adulting chores, artistic ambitions, alone time, etc.
I just wanted my kids to know that I will always prioritize any moments I manage to get with them. Even if that’s down to just a certain number of minutes a year.
We had many fun adventures over the years as a family, but upon reflection, I can’t recall ever having significant one-on-one time with either of my younger two, which I regret. The trip Risa and I made last winter to go see goats in Pescadero, which she resisted initially due to scheduling challenges, until I insisted, is the only instance I can recall. The goat afternoon is a memory we both cherish.
In hindsight, I wish I had created similar opportunities (damning the torpedoes!) when they were younger. Demanding alone time always seemed like it would be a selfish choice, so I kept waiting for a window of time that never came.
The Lesson: Don’t wait too long for the “right” time to create a meaningful memory.
The downside of having a wonderful relationship is the heartbreak and regret you will eventually endure when time with that person evaporates.
The upside after kids launch is that you get to resume your pursuit of childhood dreams from wherever you left off, though this freedom from distractions comes with a certain level of lonliness.
The antidote to bitter-sweetness, and to most other negative feelings, is to find gratitude. In this regard, my cup overfloweth.
